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In the Year ... 2001
A Look At The Most Anticipated Year in History
History and literature have often painted the year 2001 as some sort of special, magical year when all the dreams of technology and wonder come true. Those of us who survived this year can reflect back on the year and see some things that make most of us just plain want to forget about it. Let's look at some interesting points about this year before we charge headlong into 2002 ...
- We still don't have flying cars. Who saw that one coming?
- We elected a President into office who lost the election. How does that work?
- New York. 'Nuff said.
- Ever thought we'd still be burning fossil fuels in 2001?
- The same old pictures of the Lock Ness Monster and Big Foot (from the 70's) are still headlining tabloids. Can't we come up with some better (we are in the world of digital photography) shots here? Even if they are fake?
- They promised a cure for the common cold decades ago. Where is it? I guess the cold medicine companies didn't like the idea of losing all that money every year ...
- For crying out loud ... we're still using batteries. BATTERIES! I know a lot of people would be out of work if there was something you didn't use for 4 hours then throw away, but c'mon! Don't be like the car companies...
- The Evil America On-Line is the #1 provider of on-line services. Once again proving that sheepism is one 'ism you can NEVER go wrong believing in.
- Microsoft owns the world. We all saw it coming - yet none of us did anything about it. Now its too late. They can afford to have anyone killed they want. And they will probably call it 'innovation' vice 'assasination' - even though its been done before.
- I was unemployed for 6 months of this year. Damn.
- Interest rates were cut 11 times despite the fact that no one can afford to buy or refinance a house.
- You now need a 1ghz CPU to play PacMan on your computer.
- We elected a President that told the press it was their job to discover he was a 20 year drunk - it wasn't his responsibility to tell the American people. I just love that.
- Ferrets are STILL illegal in California and in the greater NYC area ... Wake the hell up.
- DVD has finally come into its own ... Yet Pan & Scan is still an acceptable format for watching movies - and I couldn't find a Widescreen edition of THE GRINCH anywhere at Christmas time.
- Most kids in high school this year don't know what vinyl records are. Those that do don't know what 8-track tapes are.
- Brittney Spears hasn't posed for Playboy yet ... we'll just have to wait for her Greatest Hits Vol. 1 album to flop before her breasts do. Its not like we all don't know its going to happen.
- SHAGGY isn't the guy from Scooby Doo anymore. Ask your kids. Of course, the drugs haven't changed ...
- I still can't play STAR TREK on my PC without incorrectly played sound samples.
- High school girls look like college hookers now. Sheeze, they didn't look like that when *I* was in high school. Another hat tip to Brittney Spears ...
- WHAT!??? Still no hoverboards? Someone isn't trying hard enough. Instead we get Scooters.
- Speaking of which ... I still don't have Back to the Future on DVD. (We got it in 2002, BTW)
- Good thing Lucas didn't release Episode One this year. We'd have one more thing to bitch about.
- You can rewind a tape in your VCR now in about 60 seconds. Why the hell do we STILL have VHS? You'd think Sony would have at LEAST lifted the sanctions on BETA by now, but NOOOOOOO...
- At one time this year, I could buy three cheeseburgers for the price of a gallon of gas.
- The U.S. still hasn't learned to keep its nose to itself. I guess we need more Americans killed and landmarks destroyed before we figure out that playing Big Brother to the world just gets us into mischief.
- We also found out this year that a business plan that doesn't involve any profits isn't going to get investors anymore - and that losing money with every sale doesn't make you the BEST.
- Ebay.com finally proved this year that people will pay more than retail for products as long as they are auctioned on their service.
- Everyone thinks they are a hacker in 2001. Running a macro in WORD doesn't make you a hacker. We have dumbasses on TV selling computers that insult the intellectual integrity of most of us ("Dude, you're getting a Dell" .... 'Nuff said)
- Most people in the computing work force have no idea how to output a directory listing on their computer to the printer.
- Ally McBeal still wasn't cancelled this year - despite the fact that they have to have 100 celebrity guests on EVERY season just to keep the show alive. Who is Calista Flockhart banging to keep this show alive? (Note: 2002 finally saw the end of this horrid show.)
- Did I mention I've been unemployed for 6 months of 2001?
- You still can't take your cordless phone with you to take the trash out to the curb. What's the deal with that?
- Everyone has a cell phone now. Even people who can't afford to buy food or housing without government assistance. Kids that can't even SPELL 'JOB' have cell phones.
- Sheep have once again proven this year that BETTER isn't BETTER. The Sega Dreamcast was discontinued and tripe like Playstation 2 and Xbox now rule the market. Soul Caliber still looks better than anything on any console today.
- We went from "640k is all your ever need" to "Minimum system requirements: Pentium 2/450 and 64MB of RAM". Oh, and the latest vogue operating system now requires a GIGABYTE of hard drive space. Remember how excited you were for your first 20MB hard drive?
- Having a web address is 'hip'. Wow ... just 10 years ago people were still afraid of computers.
- McDonalds is STILL trying to get people to eat McRib sandwiches. Guys, it didn't work. Stop it. We just AREN'T going to embrace it. Accept failure. Fire the guy. You guys must be the ones responsible for Ally McBeal still being on.
- Speaking of fast food - in 2001, I still can't reliabily get onions removed from my hamburger.
- Technology isn't out of date anymore the second you take it out of the store... You have until you get back home now.
- "Store music" takes selections from the 80's now. God, I'm old. Sad day when you hear "Shake your love" in the produce department.
- Remember how revolutionary audio CDs were? How they changed the world? Ummm.... we're still using them like 20 years later. Oh, wait, I forgot about HIT CLIPS .. .BAHHAHAHHAHAAHA .. Someone fire that inventor.
- Riding public transportation still sucks in 2001. How can that be?
- We still don't have laser guns either in 2001. What a gyp ...
- We know more about Puff Daddy than we know about the world's oceans still. Sad.
- MTV still doesn't play music videos in 2001. I really miss the 80's.
- Wrestling is still fake, and people still don't care.
- Record companies reared their ugly head in 2001 - with the mass growing popularity of MP3 - claiming how they are being ripped off. Grab a dictionary and look up the word IRONY.
- 2001 invented the 'expensive toys that don't serve any good purpose other than to have them' paradigm. Check every PocketPC owner you know and see how many of them have a lot of phone numbers and useful information vice how many people have that Star Wars movie clip on it.
- Some people even in 2001 still believe Elvis is alive.
- In 2001, we found out its easier to download a first run movie and watch it on your computer than to stand in line waiting to pay $6 for popcorn at your local theater.
- Notice in 2001 they stopped calling them HATE CRIMES? Now they are just CRIMES.
- Can you believe THE CLAPPER made it through 2001?
- Horror movies FINALLY made a comeback in 2001. Some of them were actually good.
- Fantasy movies FINALLY made a comeback in 2001. Most weren't worth the film they were shot on. MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE was a better fantasy movie than most fantasy movies in 2001.
- A chimp still can't drive a car in 2001.
- Despite the horrible recession, there were still grown men and women kicking each other's asses in line at Wal-Mart the day after Thanksgiving for a $40 radio.
- Speaking of stores, BEST BUY proved in 2001 that they have the absolutely WORST hiring process on the planet. I still want to know how people get employed there. Before you say "Fill out and turn in an application", ask the manager at Best Buy about a job next time you're there.
- At the end of 2001, CABLE channels were still censoring their content. Not broadcast channels. CABLE channels.
- Speaking of television, you can see boobs on NYPD Blue on NBC, but to show them on PORKY'S on TBS isn't allowed. Doesn't seem fair, does it?
- Is it my imagination or did like 10 X-Files TV show knock offs spring up in 2001?
- The Simpsons are still on in 2001. Good to know some GOOD things happened in 2001.
- Speaking of good things - THE FAMILY GUY didn't get cancelled in 2001 after all.
- My God ... Is Bob Barker STILL on The Price Is Right? He must've been in line at the SOUL SELLING booth at the county fair right behind Dick Clark.
- More people recognize the INTEL PENTIUM sound than the President of the United States.
- Its the end of 2001 and the crew of the S.S. Minnow are still on the island. C'mon, give us some damn closure.
- Its still legal to beat your wife in some states of the U.S.
- Remember when getting caught masturbating in public got you in trouble?
- Its 2002 and we still don't have video phones yet. Didn't we get promised those like in the early 80's?
- How long have we had serial ports on computers? Did your new Dell for Christmas still come with a serial port? Nothing like keeping legacy hardware around for 20 year old compatibility.
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