The bad jokes thread

[TheAlien]

TheAlien. A walking joke.

Did you really think I'd miss that? People with tiny minds are sooooo funny!

Shall we get back to the bad jokes?


Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the great white throne. God addresses Al first.
"Al, what do you believe in?"

Al replies, "Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if any more freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we'll all die."

God thinks for a second and says "Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left."

God then addresses Bill. "Bill, what do you believe in?"

Bill replies, "Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling people's pain."

God thinks for a second and says "Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right."

God then address Hillary. "Hillary, what do you believe in?"

Hillary says, "I believe you're in my chair."

[Demolition Man]

Actually that's pretty good Alien.

[Turbo2Xs]

A donut and a bagel are baking in an oven when the donut - being overcome - says:

"Damn it's hot in here!"

the bagel, shocked, says,

"Holy S--t! A talking donut!"

[miner2049er]

I was in the local supermarket yesterday buying a large bag of Winalot for my
Labrador Retriever and was in line to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, that I was starting The Winalot Diet again.
I commented that I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital
the last time; but since I'd lost 50 pounds (before I awakened in an
intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in
both arms) I thought that it was probably worth the risk.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it
works is to load your pants pockets with Winalot biscuits and simply eat one
or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally
complete; so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now
enthralled with my story; particularly a tall guy behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned and was that why I ended up in
the hospital.

I said, No.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car
hit me.

[miner2049er]

On a similar theme, I went round to my friend's house last night, and we were sat there watching TV and chatting.

His dog came into the room, lay in front of the fire and proceeded to lick it's balls.

I said to my friend, "I wish I could do that."

He said "Give him a biscuit and he might let you!"

[Turbo2Xs]

On a similar theme, I went round to my friend's house last night, and we were sat there watching TV and chatting.

His dog came into the room, lay in front of the fire and proceeded to lick it's balls.

I said to my friend, "I wish I could do that."

He said "Give him a biscuit and he might let you!"

ACK!

[bigchris]

Did you really think I'd miss that? People with tiny minds are sooooo funny!

Just because you are old doesn't mean you have a big brain. and you are a joke, you're 44 and call yourself "TheAlien".

[Turbo2Xs]

And your the smarty-pants that: the best joke you could come up with was to imply that someone here was a bigger joke than you?

Your my hero bigchris. (EDIT: Your sig is in violation of the TOS. Beyatch)

People like you are what bring be back time and again!

PS:

Have any other "jokes" to add? If not, beat feet child.

--------------------------------------------
What do you get when you cross an Elephant and a Rhino?

Eleph-rino!

(Think about it)

[bigchris]

Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and decided that they would make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.

As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, and etc.

The next morning they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb and were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare and when she passed them, she smiled and said, "Good morning, Father" - "Good morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by.

They were both stunned. How in the world did she recognize them as priests?

The next day they went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits-these were so loud, you could hear them before you even saw them-and again settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine, etc.

After a while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a string bikini this time, came walking toward them again. (They were glad they had sunglasses, because their eyes were about to pop out of their heads.)

Again, she approached them and greeted them individually: "Good morning, Father," "Good morning Father," and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it and said. "Just a minute, young lady. Yes, we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did YOU know?"

"Oh, Father, don't you recognize me? I'm Sister Angela!"

1. Sarcasiam is the lowest form of wit.

2. You made two identical spelling errors in that nonsense.

3. Is "TheAlien" your boyfriend or something. he's 44 you know. let him stand up for himself.

PS: My sig is fine.

PPS: wise up.

[miner2049er]

Here follows one of my favourite jokes:

A nerdy accountant gets sent to prison for helping someone with Tax evasion.
On his first night in there, he's a nervous wreck. He knows he's going to end up as somebody's bitch.
His heart sinks when he is told he will be sharing a cell with the prison bully.
Everything goes well until lights out, and he is beginning to think that it may not be as bad as he had first thought.
A couple of hours go by and he hears a gruff voice from the bunk below.
"Do you want to play a game?"
He's thinking, well, here it comes now!
"Sure I'll play a game."
"What game do you want to play?"
Thinking he would have had no say in this at all, he is pleasantly surprised but still cautious. He is definitely going to be this guy's bitch.
"I'll play whatever you want to play."
"Do you want to play Mummies and Daddies?"
Well, he thinks, this is it, here it comes, I ain't gonna get no sleep tonight.
"Sure I'll play Mummies and Daddies." He has no option but to go along with it anyway.
"Who do you want to be?"
Things may be taking a turn for the better he thinks. I definitely didn't expect to be given a choice.
"Can I be Daddy?" he asks hoping that the answer will be yes.
"OK then you be Daddy."
Phew! Things really are taking a turn for the better.
Until a voice from the bottom bunk says

"Now come here Daddy and suck Mummy's c**k!"